that being said, i don't like this very much yet.
i feel alone and i don't know what i want. the loneliness i was ready for. but the confusion i was not.
basil invited me to some open frat party at phi psi, who his friend, farah told him about. she was nice. i could tell after two minutes of interacting with them that he had been friendzoned. poor baz.
my dorm is at one end of frat row, his, at the other. i walked twenty minutes by myself in one direction to get to his room. on the way, i passed several large groups of kids---loud and all over the place. i was okay being alone for the most part, i knew where i was going. i was mostly unsure how they all got to know each other so fast, and i was still here knowing absolutely nobody.
i finally reached his dorm, and him and farah were ready to go. it was about a 5 minute walk to the phi psi house. farah was jittery as she walked---it was her "first college party!" and she "didn't know how to walk in" and other stuff. i don't know, i stopped listening. she was nice i guess. when we finally get to the door, there are three above average looking white guys guarding the gate. you needed your cal 1 card to get in. baz and i only had our room keys. they let in farah, and turned us away. i wasn't disheartened. i just wanted something to do. farah went ahead alone, despite her initial uncertainty, and baz and i headed back to his dorm. i don't know why i didn't just go home.
we talked for an hour or so. baz is one of my best friends, but i still felt uncomfortable. like i wasn't supposed to be there. we talked about college, people we knew, some of our fears. then it came up that ryan, arguably my best friend back at home, got really fucked up at some party on tuesday. this is my straight-edge best friend ryan. he had never drank or smoked weed before. he goes to one fucking party and gets cross-faded? i could tell that morning that something was up, but he didn't tell anybody.
when baz told me, i kinda laughed it off as ridiculous. i knew it was true but i couldn't imagine him doing that.
just like i couldn't imagine myself hooking up with guys that i just met, but i guess i did that this summer too.
there needs to be space for people to try things. but for some reason, it still hurt to know that's what ry had done. and that he hid it. i don't know. all of a sudden i didn't want any sort of crazy party life. i get a very try-hard, excessive vibe from people who party night 1 at college. you don't know anybody. let's all force ourselves to be reckless! because that's how fun happens, i guess. i want to party, but not like that. i don't know what i want.
and now i am upset. or something along those lines, i don't know. i had to walk home by myself too, 20 minutes back across frat row. i want ry to be safe. i want to have what i built back in lake forest. i don't want to have to start from the bottom up again. jesus christ, i want my friends here. why can't this freedom exist while having my friends? i'm alone. i guess these few weeks will be me being lonely while also having to do my laundy, feed myself, and do homework. being a human is so fucking high maintenance i swear to god.
now its 1 am and i still haven't showered or taken my makeup off.
